An Open Letter to Carl Pavano
Please Mr. Pavano, save us!
by: Gregory Gethard
Dear Mr. Pavano,
Hi there. May I call you Carl?
Carl, on behalf of myself and all other Yankee fans, I'm writing to you now to tell you that you have a chance to salvage your Yankee career.
You are the most hated Yankee in years, maybe decades. You are making a ridiculous amount of money and have thrown about 17 pitches during your tenure with the team. You have a bad attitude, and it seems that nobody on the team likes you. I will, however, give you points for dating Alyssa Milano. Way to go, man!
But back to your Yankees career. On Saturday, you will take the mound. This will be the most important game of your Yankees career. A win in this game may not make us like you — but if you win a few more games after that, we'll start to take notice.
Carl, if you go 9-0 down the stretch, and the Yankees end up snagging a last-second playoff berth, we will probably say some nice things about you. But that shouldn't be your goal.
Carl, if you pitch well into the playoffs and bring us another championship, we will not just like you, we will love you. There will be new theme music waiting for you at the victory parade. It'll be the last part of The Who's "A Quick One While He's Away." And it goes like this:
"You are forgiven,
You are forgiven,
You are forgiven, forgiven, forgiveforgiveforgiven,
You are forgiven."
It's in your hands — let's do this!
Sincerely,
Gregory Gethard
MORE:
